Yesterday someone overheard another speaking about me and they said, “You know she is an Evangelical.” I was taken back because I would never label myself that. I struggle with all labels at 48. Why do we have to place others under a roof of faith with a label to describe who they are? Can’t I just be a girl who loves Jesus? Do we really think that there will be different neighborhoods in heaven for Methodists, Catholics, Evangelicals? What about Married, Single, Divorced? Smart, Beautiful, Successful, Athletic, Popular? The Rich, the Poor side of the clouds? How about for everyone who got it right and everyone who got it wrong? I knew a Mormon once that believed that her husband would have ALL his wives with him in heaven. I am not even sure where to go with that one, but okay. If I could not live in the same house with a man on earth do you think I could share a cloud with him…. and his new wife?

I just finished the book In Search of God Knows What by Donald Miller, 2nd by my author crush. What a book, loved it but so different than the first one I read. This one was much deeper. I would have to put it down at times and roll around in what I read for a day or two before picking it back up, just like a pig in mud. I wanted it on me, well to become a part of me. He was writing how I feel about God, church, judging, lifeboats and the positions we create in life to make us feel more superior, loved and right. The popular crowd. The loved crowd. The good looking crowd, smart crowd. He challenged us to see that knowing God and pleasing God had little to do with a 3 step plan or a formula, but with a real relationship with the one who made us. Can I get an AMEN? Who says that we are right and they are wrong? Is their really a correct way to pray or does God hear all our desperate whispers, shouts of praise and painful cries we call out to him? Powerful stuff. Might have been why I was so uncomfortable with the label Evangelical. A more appropriate term might be a Messy Christian, not perfect or someone who has all the answers, but who is thankful for God’s grace and redemption, always seeking His face.

This morning Grace rolled out of bed, with sleep in her eyes and morning breath, she came and met me on the familiar “wake up” couch. We started talking about a little girl that she knew.  She mentioned that she was popular and that all the boys hung around her. I asked why? She replied, “She is good at sports.”  “Well, you are good at sports too!” I said.  She responded with, “But I am chubby.” Now if you know Grace you would not call her chubby, but if you saw the movie Super 8 and remember the line, “My doctor says I haven’t hit my lean years yet.”, that could define my 9 year old Grace. Of course I went into my best “Aibileen” mode from The Help and said, “Grace, You are beautiful, smart, athletic and VERY FUNNY. And people like funny.” She smiled as if to say, “You have to say that because you birthed me.” Not True!! But all that I said was true, and as a mother I wanted her to hear the good stuff because we are bombarded with the bad. The self defeating we not enough stuff that labels us as Chubby, Dumb, Poor, Stupid, Ugly, Never quite enough stuff.

I was pondering labels today and don’t believe there are any in Heaven.
I could be wrong, but I think we will be there because of His great love for us and our deep love, so complicated but genuinely returned to Him.
One Big Family. I think the only label I am comfortable with at all is Child of God, it’s the only one that fits. And as far as my heavenly home, I am hoping for a comfy, worn wake up couch to hang on with all His other Chill-ens! May my cloud and heart will always be open.

2. Zoom Focus.- Each day when you wake up in the morning ask: “What are the three most important things I need to do today that will help create the life I desire?” Then tune out all the distractions and focus on these actions.

4. Instead of being disappointed about where you are, think optimistically about where you are going. Then use your energy, talents and time to get there!

7. Teach and Learn – Mentor someone and be mentored by someone. Life-long learners adopt the ongoing posture of reinvention and redemption. It’s difficult to waste your life when you are humble enough to take time to teach and be taught!

8.“Do or Do Not, there is no try” Yoda- “I’ll try or I can’t…” almost always means “I don’t want to.” “I can’t or I’ll try” allows us to pretend that the choice to DO is not ours.

10. Remember there’s no substitute for hard work. So bring the best you into each day.

19. Mistakes are important to make. – We’ve all made mistakes. Remember, failure is not falling down; failure is staying down when you have the choice to get back up. Get back up! Oftentimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

20. The end is a new beginning. – Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me.  Dear Future, I am ready now!”  Because a great beginning always occurs at the ending of something. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Wide Frame of LOVE!

What a picture! One of my favorites from David and Morgan’s wedding. There is so much in that frame, much more than meets the eye. Of course you see love, joy and FUN. But as I look into this frame I think “Oh my, I gave birth to everyone in the frame but me!” Each of them so individually themselves, gifted, talented with their own unique personalities. Yes, we fill a big frame and my sweet new daughter in law, Morgan is not even in this picture. Over the years there will be more to come…new wives and a husband for Grace someday. Who knows maybe even for me, though recently a man came up and said “We can’t date, I am afraid I would end up in your blog.” Well, he did and we won’t.

As 2011 is ending I look at that frame with such a thankful heart. Yes, it has been a tough year, an exciting year and FULL year. Some expectations met, others not. But with a New Year approaching I can’t help looking back at the lessons learned from this year, for that is where we find the wisdom to move forward. Here go’s….

1. Don’t look side to side to compare yourself to others. That is their journey, story and life. You have your own so make it a good one! Don’t beat yourself up along the way, Do YOUR best each day. Some days will be better than others, some years too. Just remember you are the CEO of your life so run it on prayer and good choices. Then live out the unique story God created you to live in order to live out a bigger, better story for Him.

2. When watching the movie The Help, I couldn’t Help thinking that if we used our words to uplift more….“You is kind, you is smart, you is important.” ….that the world we live in would be a better place. This isn’t a competition, it is life and we are all in it together, so let’s use our words and actions to encourage, love and uplift.

3. That being single mother, as challenging and lonely as it may be, is still the most cherished and rewarding title I have been given. As we raise the ones we have been gifted with, they grow up to gift us back in more ways than we can imagine. Thank you David, Michael, Andrew, Jackson, Grace and Morgan for gifting me each day with your love and presence.

4. They say that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger….True, but we can get weary. It is so important to practice self care. No one knows what you need more than you. Listen to what your heart speaks in quiet moments and do it. Let others in to offer support, love and care…there is a balance between the giving and receiving and we need to be good at both.

5. When your son gets married you don’t lose him. It just changes. If you keep your heart open and don’t let fear in, the relationship will shift into something wonderful. You just have to allow space for things to settle, for them to become one…Then you will see your son is still your son, you are still his mom and life is richer having 6 children instead of 5.

6. As far as love goes… (same as #5) Keep your heart OPEN, don’t let fear in, for if we understand God’s great love for us, then we can embrace a HOPE that will not disappoint us, it is then we can rest in His plan for our lives…(love lives included!)

7. One morning recently God said …“Trust me and Be You!” In a nut shell that is the biggest lesson for me this year. To go out daily, be fearless, trust in him and be the ME he created me to be. (even when I feel like I’m not enough or feeling weary) He is never on the sidelines, but living life beside me, helping me write my story and providing all that I need to make it to the finish line of each day.

As I look at the Frame above I know that this New Year approaching will bring many changes that will create a new picture for us. In 2012 let’s remember to Forgive, Embrace, Love, Laugh, Comfort, Learn, and Enjoy those around us. May our hearts, ears and eyes be open to all 2012 will teach us, challenge us and bless us with. I know I am leaping into the New Year with a open expectant heart to receive all God has in store for me.

I try to post uplifting positive encouragements everyday on my Facebook page, which by the way usually has to do with something stirring inside me. Over the years I have had many say “Thanks, for the posts! It was just what I needed!”. But this week I had a few people come up and say with a tight smile, “I am trying to find the JOY!” (I can hear the dammit that follows but  is not spoken). It’s the same frustrated look and tone that David my oldest would give me when I asked him to take out the trash. Wide eyed and gritted teeth smile he responded with, “I’d LOVE to.” (dammit) …..this still puts a smile on my face.

Joy can be hard to find during the holidays, especially when you think you should be dancing with sugar plums but instead find yourself doing all the things of life that don’t stop just because there is a big lit tree in the middle of your house and stockings hung by the chimney with care. Life goes on HoHoHo!

Yesterday, I was in the grocery store with Jackson and Grace, who must have eaten the SUGAR plums I longed to be dancing with. They were bouncing off the wall, well the aisles. I looked at them and said in my mean mother tone, “Why can’t you be more like good grown up kids!” To which Grace replied, “We are kids Mom, not grown ups.” (I think I heard all the fellow shoppers sing in unison, “DUH!” in a very Glee way)

*REALITY CHECK #1 When excitement fills the airs it also fills your children. Relax, it is an exciting time and know that the kids grow up, move out, get married and will not shop with your forever.

Jolly Jackson!

We dropped Jackson off in full Santa garb for a slumber party then Grace and I headed out for a Girls Night. First a holiday movie and then a taco dinner. We decided to eat whatever we wanted since Grace is having her tonsils out Monday! (I had to support her in this as a good mother) There is nothing better than watching a fun Holiday movie with a big bag of popcorn and your favorite little girl beside you. Her Belly laugh could give Santa a run for his money! After the movie we decided to visit my dad who had been moved to rehab after having his hip replaced this past week. Grace inquired if he was at the same rehab as Amy Winehouse….YIKES! I explained the difference.

As we chowed down tacos, chips and cheese queso. Grace shared a story about a boy in her class that was teased because he didn’t have a great voice. She told me she went up to him and said “My mother says, Don’t let anyone steal your joy, so sing loud!” (dammit)

Girl Time

*REALITY CHECK #2 When excitement fills the air allow some inside you too. Life is difficult, full and fast, but slow down. BE with the ones you love so that you can hear their belly laugh, listen to their stories and enjoy the moment that God has blessed you with instead of fretting about the one you are not in. For me, this moment was the wonderful realization that Grace understands the difference between being a child and a grown up, Rehab and JOY. Joy that it is hers and that NO ONE is going to steal or take away!  (dammit…hehehehehe!) Oh and that Jackson makes a pretty good beardless Santa!

So let’s SING LOUD, LOVE BIG, DANCE like we ate the Sugarplums and allow the Excitement to FILL OUR HEARTS….One and ALL!

Woke us this morning with a heavy heart and a cluttered mind. I hate to start mornings this way. As much joy as the Christmas season will bring it also will be filled with 3 surgeries for ones I hold dear, clients that need support, presents to purchase and bills to pay. The list goes on and on and is a list I won’t be giving to Santa this year, but to a loving listening God. As I got my coffee I headed to my sanctum, the sacred place on my very worn couch and sighed,

“Here I am God.” Tears fell and my heart opened up. Did I say my heart was full? It was in this quiet moment when I said,

“What am I to do?”

He gently replied…..“Trust Me and Be You.”

That is what I heard. “Trust that I am enough, that I am bigger than your circumstance and that I love you and am with you. Then BE You. Go out and use your gifts and talents I have blessed you with and keep your eyes on me.”

Wow. Right after that I think I heard Bob Marley singing softly, “Then every little thing is gonna be alright…” Bob M. and God calming my heart this morning, weird. But in a very deep and meaningful moment it worked.

I went back to reading parts of A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and came upon something that Robert Mckee said to my author crush, “The whole point of our story is the character arc. Joy doesn’t change a person. Joy is what we feel when the conflict is over. It’s the conflict that changes the person.”

Boy is that true and I must have one big arc! Truth is we all have to go there, muddle there, feel it, live it, breathe it, see it for what it is. Then use it and grow dammit grow. That’s transformation. For me transformation takes place in my quiet moments when God and sometimes a guest singer show up and speak into my heart. It never fails, He always show up. Today it was Bob and God, speaking to my heart to remind me to……..

TRUST HIM and BE ME….then every little and big thing is gonna be alright!

My big boys use the term “Man Crush” when they meet a new male friend that they bond with either through dark beers, Lonesome Dove, cigars, faith, music, food or football. I believe that it is the same crazy emotions that we feel when we are “falling in love”. You know that euphoric exciting feeling when you are around a particular someone new who brings a great new energy into your world. They get all giddy about this new found bond, especially my alpha oldest. There are only a few that can make us feel this way so when we find them they become priceless treasures in our souls.

Well, I have a new “Author Crush”.

I just read a book by Donald Miller called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Head over heals in LOVE. I know he wrote Blue Like Jazz, but I never read it, I guess because I didn’t get the title. I will now. I will read all he has to write because of this new crush. I am attracted to someone who can use their words well to express the thoughts in their head and heart. His honest quirky words made me laugh out loud, to which Jackson replied when he heard me, “I haven’t laughed reading a book since 4th grade.” This only made me laugh harder….He’s in 5th. “Jackson you are reading the wrong books!” Anyway, about the new author of my dreams…

The book challenges us to live a good, great or better story. To step out, step up, jump in and risk. To understand that we are all going to have conflict, pain and suffering, but it is through this that we find out what we are made of IF we get up, move and finish. It makes our stories richer and us stronger. That God doesn’t promise life won’t suck at times, but he does promise to be with us as we walk the lonely miles of our sub-stories…..All with deep thought provoking, get up off your fanny, hysterical real one liners….nectar for a life coach like me.

As I was swallowing down the words in big gulps I realized that it was just what I needed….I was thirsty. With another holiday season upon us and my singleness still in place, I needed a new crush, something to curl up with at night and make me feel good. To stir things up inside and make me feel giddy. I know it is just a book but until God writes a “Woman meets Man” sub story in my life it will have to do.

Thank you Mr. Miller…I love you….Well your words at least. And even though I think my story has been pretty good to this point you have challenged me to keep living a great one. Let the Season begin!

So…. this afternoon I heard Grace in the living room crying while working in my bedroom. I walked out thinking “This smells of BOY”. You see we live next to two boys that Jackson and Grace play with EVERY afternoon. Football in the street, basketball in the driveway, Nerf wars, fights with the hoses…the list goes on and on. And I have to say Grace hangs well with the boys, a formidable player and would be defined as a tomboy in as much as her play and dress. We struggle over looking more like a girl , after 4 boys do you blame me? I know, I know I was a tomboy too, I just thought pigtails and bows would be fun after years of baseball caps and whiskers!

Someone has to do it! Go GRACE GO!!!

Well, today Jackson wanted to have a friend over, so I said yes. That is where the trouble begins…He is a wonderful boy, actually all the boys are great boys. But they are 4 and Grace is ONE.

We had snacks, they played in the driveway while I worked…all seemed well until I heard the whimpers. To her credit she did not come in and tell on the opposite sex, no I just heard a few sobs and went to see what was the source of the water works. When I said, “Honey. what’s wrong?” She burst into tears, then ran into her room saying they told her that they needed time for “BOY” talk and walked away. As she was saying this she started to change her clothes and declared loudly ” I am not going to be a TOMBOY anymore!! I am going to dress like a girl!”

Oh my…rock and a hard place. As much as I would LOVE to have her dress a bit more like a girl, I don’t want her to change because she feels she doesn’t fit in. As she working on the transformation, putting a bow in her hair and a skirt on, I gently said, ” Sweetheart maybe they needed just a little time to discuss boy stuff, like you need with your girlfriends, so let’s give them 10 minutes, which in BOY talk is eternity and then see if they want you back.”

I asked her to stay while I went to check on them…..

“BOYS!!!!” (I roared in my best mama bear voice, after all I am a girl too) They came running. I had the whole team of “opposite sex” sit on the curb for a “PEP” talk. “Boys….How would you like it if you were the only boy surrounded by 4 girls ALL the time? That would suck wouldn’t it? (I was speaking in boy you see) You know that all of you fight to have her on your team because she is good and always has a great attitude, which is more that I can say for a few of you curb sitters! (low nods) Now, I understand the need for boy talk but “we” are never going exclude her like that again are we or we won’t be shipping other boys in. Understand?”

“Yes mam.”

“Okay, Play!”

I went into Grace’s room and said, “They are ready for you to go kick their butts! But Grace I have always found, being a tomboy myself, that it is more fun to kick their butts with a bow in my hair.”

She ran out the door with a big grin, her trademark laugh and bow ….

Go Grace GO!

This week has been one of those really crazy weeks. Yes, I know the saying, “It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?” Well…Everything this past week. All I know is it is Sunday and my soul is desperately running a 10K trying to catch up with the fast pace of my life this past week.

Sabbath.

Still in jammies trying to decide whether to get dressed and go to worship or do I just STOP and do NOTHING.

Breathe.

As I quiet myself I can feel a bit anxious and tearful, it’s almost like all that I have carried and held in over the week is now ready to bubble out. Or maybe it’s because my neighbors, who have been doing construction on their home, have the workers out there at 8:30am this beautiful quiet Sabbath morning, and are playing with saws, drill and a nail gun! Seriously boys, go home get back into bed and enjoy your Sunday too! Oh well… let the bubbling begin.

As I settle and allow myself to exhale, which is like popping a top of a soda can, thoughts of the past week flood in.

Things that made me smile and giggle started to rise….My sisters mother in law who tried to do a set-up, Grace’s sweet belly laugh that filled the house this week “Ba- Ha Ha”, a major rat-tail towel fight with all ages, Jackson’s dream about a Lama that drooled on him, Our first chocolate peppermint milkshake of the season YUM, the new young… as Jackson says, “HOT” Principal climbing the rock wall at Harvest Hoedown, major giggles at Wed. morning girls group, cool weather and open windows!

Things that touched my heart… coffee, bacon and warm bread with 2 girls friends and great conversation, snuggling with Grace and Jackson, my dad leaving a voice mail that said “I love you.”, my friend who plays “Mom” when I have to be out at night and surprises us with “Outback” (so glad she doesn’t cook!) Dinner for 8 that turned into 9, my amazing clients, holding baby William and watching him work his pappy, my Sweetly Broken group and all they carry, an unexpected lunch with my sister, learning about Samaritan Village, and a friend saying she smelled Coco on someone and missed me.

Things that I need to let go of… guilt from having to work 3 nights this week, worrying whether “they” had a good time, fears of making it, not exercising enough, am I going to eat my way into 2012? How am going to juggle next week? So glad this list is shorter than the others, now to loosen the grip and let it go.

Blessings mixed in with the “busy” life makes for a lighter heart. We just have to slow down, quiet the noise to remember what was good and given within the busy. Then be thankful. The Sabbath was not made for God, it was a gift to us. We just have to remember to take it, open it and enjoy it.

Happy SABBATH! Looks like I am staying in my jammies today and enjoying God within the walls of my life, right where I am….HOME!

Mental lint is the “stuff” that drifts around my head, the tiny bits of thoughts that bounce in and out throughout the day. At times I need to clean it out so that I run more efficiently, like my dryer does when I remember to remove the crud. To make a clean sweep without losing the important stuff.

If it’s build up from little 2 minute tasks that need to be done …. I try to follow Nike’s rule and “JUST DO IT”.  It is easy and feels great to get that kind of lint out!

We also can have the build up from the “theys” in our life. What would “they” think? “They” do? “They” say? Lint I say! I need to stop and ask myself “What do I think? How do I feel? Lord, What should I say?”  Take my eyes off the “Theys” and keep them on Thee. Why do we hyper focus on the lint of “theys” instead of Thee? Don’t I believe “Thy will be done…” in my life. Goodbye “theys”, Good morning Thee!

I have lint from bills that need to be paid. Michael going to China again. Did I send that Birthday card? Dinner. Change laundry. Clean dryer lint. Parent conferences. Couches. Call mother. Emails. Kenya planning. Dog feeding. What to wear. Oil change…..the “what if’s” and “if onlys”, the to dos, and the don’t forget lists!

As I was walking today, feeling the mental lint tossing to and fro between my ears, I started to say the Lord’s Prayer and got to the part of  “Give us this day our daily bread…”

CLEAN SWEEP

Life is so daily, if we stay in the day and take the next best step the lint doesn’t seem to build up so quickly.  I can make the lists, tackle the 2 minute tasks, and quiet the noise…. but if I stay grounded in the fact that I do trust God to “give me my daily manna” (whatever I need within that day) my head is a little clearer and my heart a little more settled. So I handed him my Lint List and started my day!

I may never be lint-less BUT I can do a little more lint control by trusting that I will receive my DAILY bread…..daily.

The other night I was laying on my side of the bed and thought “What am I doing?” I have slept on this side for years….”Newsflash!!! You are single and can sleep wherever you please!” So, I moved to the middle of the bed in an act of bold independence. As I laid there pondering how difficult it can be for a single parent having to shoulder it all… I drifted off to sleep….only to dream that I was on a scooter (alone) carrying a box with all the things that matter most to me in one arm, while trying to desperately drive to my destination! I woke up and found myself back on my side of the bed and laughed. Really? I guess in the depths of my heart, if I am honest, I am ready to share this crazy life (and bed) with someone. So right there from my side of the bed I invited God into the wrestling ring….

“God, you know me! You made me and you must know that I am ready to share my life with someone! What’s the deal??” He is very familiar with my honest fussiness as we wrestle quite frequently.

As I quieted down (actually wore myself out like a tired child) I heard him simply reply, “Well, why don’t you start praying for him?”

WOW. I have prayed for my children, their future spouses, friends and their needs, for my Kenya friends, clients, family members, even strangers! But somehow this has not made the list!

Okay….”Lord bless him and keep him today wherever he is. Prepare his heart to meet me (Lord knows he will need prep time to jump into this herd!) as you prepare my heart too. May he find favor in his life and work, and feel your presence surrounding him. Make your face to shine down upon him and be gracious unto him.”

Amen and you win again! I will be faithful to pray for “Him” until you give him a name!

He’s funny that way, I always challenge and invite Him into the ring, but he has the gentle right hook that always knocks me to my knees….and because of His great love for us, he creates hope that does not disappoint us….and helps us get up off the mat and back to sleep!